Tax Man/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: You want more coffee, Brent? Brent Leroy: Yeah, sure. Wait! You're keepin' the free refill policy, right? Lacey: Pardon? Brent: When your aunt ran the place, she gave us free refills. Lacey: How many free refills? Brent: I'm not sure, 30 or 40. It was within reason. Lacey: You can drink 30 cups of coffee? Brent: Well, not at one sitting. You gotta spread that out over the whole morning. Lacey: So you're telling me you could come in here, slap down a buck fifty... Brent: A buck fifty? Lacey: A buck fifty and drink unlimited amount of coffee? Brent: You're not in Toronto anymore, Lacey, with your grande mocha dappa lopra frapaccino. This is Saskatchewan. Tommy Douglas fought the federal government for free refills on coffee. Lacey: Aah. I thought, I thought Tommy Douglas fought for free health care. Brent: After that coffee thing, there was a lot of kidney disorder. Oh, back to work. If this guy doesn't buy at least a buck fifty worth a gas, I'm gonna have to owe ya for the coffee. Marvin Drey: Good morning. Brent: Do you want me to fill it up? Drey: Do you work here? Brent: It'd be a pretty weird hobby. Drey: So you work here? Brent: I own the place, actually. Drey: Oh. What year did you take over? Brent: I guess it depends. Who are you? Drey: I guess I did come on a little quickly there. My name is Marvin Drey. Brent: Muffin tray? Drey: Marvin Drey. I work for Canada Customs and Revenue. Brent: Ah, the tax man. Drey: A tax man. Brent: Pardon? Drey: I'm not the tax man, I'm a tax man. Saying the tax man is just a little dehumanizing, thank you very much. Brent: Wow, this has come up before, hasn't it? Drey: Would you like it if people called you "the gas man?" Brent: I'd love it. That was gonna be my name if I became a pro wrestler. Wanna see my big finishing move would be? Drey: No. Brent: That's probably the right answer. Drey: I'm here to speak with a Mr. Oscar Leroy. Do you know him? Brent: What's this about? Drey: I can't actually discuss that with anyone but Mr. Leroy. Brent: Well, I'm his son, Brent Leroy. Drey: Is your father coming in today? Brent: Is he in some kind of trouble? Drey: Trouble? What makes you think he's in trouble? Brent: What if I told you he's out of town? Drey: Is he out of town? Brent: What if he was? Drey: Do you know where he is or not? Brent: What's your favourite colour? Drey: Excuse me? Brent: I was just seeing how long we could answer questions with questions. Well it was fun wasn't it? I'd better get back to work. Lacey: Okay guys, that's $3 for the coffee. Davis Quinton: Well, that's that's a joke, right? Lacey: Look, I know it's a little more than it used to be, but... Davis: It used to be zero. See, Ruby never charged me for coffee. Kind of a tip of the hat for keeping the peace around here. Lacey: Hmm. Well, it seems like a pretty peaceful place. I'm gonna take my chances. Look, if Marlon Brando and the wild bunch roll in and start tossing ketchups around, I'll buy you a coffee, okay? But until then, it's $3. Karen Pelly: Marlon Brando. Davis: You should have told us before we ordered that we'd have to pay. Lacey: Oh, I'm sorry. See, where I come from, people just assume they have to pay for things in restaurants. Karen: You know what? I love the coffee. I'll pay for it. Or you can pay for it. Drey: I just need to speak with your father to verify a few things. Brent: I don't think he's here. I think he went to Hawaii. Drey: Hawaii? Brent: Not Hawaii. Somewhere cheaper than that, Red Deer. Drey: I can appreciate that you don't want to help me. I, I get that a lot. Sometimes I get outright hostility, just because of my job. Brent: Well, no offence. But I can't just turn over my father. There's a bond between father and son that's strong and sacred. Oscar Leroy: Hey, idiot! You left the lid on the dumpster up last night. Crows scattered garbage all over the place and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it. It'll be you out there on your hands and knees scraping up crow crap. Brent: I'll tell you whatever you need to know. Hank: What's this? Lacey: Don't even start, Hank. Hank: Huh? Lacey: No, you know, I know, I'm not from here. Maybe here in Saskatchewan everything gets magically paid by some money fairy, you know? Maybe maybe I'll put a used coffee filter under my pillow and when I wake up there'll be $100 there. But until that happens, people who come here have to pay for their food and drink, okay? Hank: Okay. I just meant this is fries and a gravy and a root beer and all I had was a coffee. Lacey: Oh. Oh, yeah. That's, that's, a, that's a wrong bill. Hank: Oh, see? A buck fifty? What, are ya nuts? Brent: Dad, this is muffin tray, here Marvin Drey. He's one of many tax men. Drey: Good morning, Mr. Leroy. I'm just here to look into some minor discrepancy on your commercial tax exemption. Oscar: Discrepancy? What are you talking about? I file my taxes every year. My taxes pay your damn salary, so you just turn around and go back where you came from. Brent: There, I'm glad that's settled. Drey: It's really not a big deal, Mr. Leroy. Last year you claimed an unusually high fuel tax exemption. I just need to examine your records. Oscar: I file my taxes every year. I pay your salary. Brent: He's starting to drift on us. So you say you just need to see the sales receipts from last year? Drey: That's all. Brent: Dad, any idea where those might be? Oscar: My taxes pay for that suit you're wearing, buddy boy. Brent: Yeah, we lost him. Drey: See? This is what I'm talking about. Hostility for no reason. Brent: Well it's not just you. Dad's cranky. I saw him one time yell at a butterfly. Called it a son of a bitch. Told it to get out of his garden. Oscar: Why'd ya come in person? You ever hear of a telephone? It's a handy invention. I'll show ya how it works sometime. Drey: We did call. Oscar: You did not! Oscar: What did ya call me on a phone for? My taxes paid for this call. You got something to say, come here and say it in person. You ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention. I'll show ya how it works sometime. Emma Leroy: Who was that? Oscar: I don't know, some jackass. Oscar: You're lying. Brent: I don't know, his story does reek of the truth. Oscar: Oh, sure, there ya go. Take his side. All buddy-buddy with the tax man. Drey: A tax man, I'm a tax man. Brent: Oh okay. How about we say that's enough for right now? You go relax, go have a piece of pie or something. Drey: Okay. Hostility for no reason. Brent: Jeez, he's a bit of a delicate thing, ain't he? Oscar: Why don't you go and hold his hand for him? Karen: You sure are handing out a lot of tickets. I've never seen you write out so many tickets before. I'm starting to get the feeling you might be upset. Did I forget your birthday? Davis: You broke the code. Karen: I didn't mean to. What code? Davis: This might be news to you, rookie, but cops stick up for each other. We cover each other's back. Karen: The coffee thing? I just offered to pay for the coffee, that's all. Davis: You went against me, you went against the force. You know who you are? You're Serpico. Karen: Who? Davis: Serpico. You know, the Al Pacino movie? Karen: No. Davis: You're in danger of being shunned by the entire force. Karen: Yeah, but you and I are the force. Wanda Dollard: Hey, did the milk delivery come in? Brent: Not yet. Wanda: Hey, which delivery guy is it today, the cute one? Brent: I don't know. They're both so dreamy. Wanda: The tall one who looks like George Clooney or the one with the rash on his neck? Brent: Oh. Ah, sorry, it's rash Wednesday. Wanda: Ah, great. I wore my push-up bra for nothing. Brent: The whole town appreciates it, Wanda. Wanda: Oh, good. Hey, who was that guy talking with you and your Dad? Brent: A tax man. And whatever you, don't call him "the tax man." Call him "a tax man" or he kinda goes squirrelly on ya. Wanda: Some people are sensitive about article use. Brent: About what? Wanda: Proper article use. "A" or "an" are indefinite articles. "The" is a definite article. In fact, some people say "the" is "the" definite article. Brent: Ah, people say a lot of stuff. Oscar: Hank! Hank: Nice. Next time just throw a snake at me. Oscar: I need your help. Hank: With what? Oscar: Not here. This is on the hush-hush. Hank: Hush-hush? Oscar: So that's what we gotta do, we gotta nail this guy. You gotta help me come up with some kinda plan. You're a shifty kinda weasel type. No offence. The nerve of that jackass! I'm not being cheated out of my money by some slick-talkin', pencil-necked government jerk. Drey: I can hear you. Oscar: What, you, sneak...mind your own business! Hank! Wanda: I mean it's fascinating to think that most languages have more than one definite article. French has three, German... Karen: Brent! Brent: Karen, thank God! Karen: Do you have "Serpico?" Brent: What's that for, dandruff? Karen: The movie. Wanda: The movie or a movie? Karen: It's a movie with Al Pacino. Brent: I always get my Al Pacino movies mixed up. Oh, I saw "Serpico." He plays a cop who fights corruption on the force. Karen: How does it end? Brent: I think he gets shot in the head, or he turns into a blind guy who smells women. Either way we don't have the movie. Karen: Okay. Um, thanks anyway. Wanda: Yeah. Oscar: All right, we can talk in here. Hank: Okay, I got a plan. Brent: Oh, that's never good. Wanda: No. Oscar: What's it to you? I don't see you coming up with a plan to help me outta this mess. Brent: Oh. So you recruited the Desert Fox, here. Smooth move. Oscar: Go stuff a duck! What's your plan, Hank? Hank: Okay. Two words, black mail. Oscar: Huh? Hank: We go out with this tax guy, get him drunk, and then we take pictures of him doing something sleazy. He'll be so embarrassed he'll drop the whole case. Brent: You watch a lot of M.A.S.H, do ya? Hank: Well, I got a satellite dish now. Brent: What if he doesn't do anything sleazy. Ya got a plan B? Hank: As a matter of fact I do. I go out with this tax guy and get him good and loaded, right? Brent: Sounds like you just wanna drink with the guy. Hank: I know what I'm doing. We get the tax man... Brent: A tax man. Wanda: Actually, in this case you can say "the" tax man, because you're referring to a particular person. Hank: What? We get that guy really drunk and then when he's really liquored up... Wanda: You seduce him? Hank: No. No! While, while I'm getting the tax guy drunk, Oscar puts a bunch of papers in the box, any old papers, it doesn't matter, and then he drops them and we mess 'em up 'cause we're drunk, right, and he'll wanna cover his ass, so he'll assume he screwed up, and then Oscar gets away with it because he's too embarrassed to admit that he was drunk. Brent: Are you drunk now? That makes no sense. Messing up the papers, how does that help? Hank: Well, it's complicated. It's got a lot of... Oscar: I like it. Brent: I don't know, I think Wanda was onto something. You should just seduce this guy. What do you say, Hank, take one for the team? Wanda: Here's an obvious question. Have you even tried looking for the papers? Lacey: So, have you decided on something? Dray: Yes. I believe I will have... Lacey: Wait! Before you order, I think I should tell you that coffee is not free. You have to pay for it. Drey: What an odd thing to say. Lacey: It is, isn't it? Yeah. I shouldn't have to tell people that coffee isn't free. People here think coffee's free. Drey: I don't know how to put this, but don't you think the people around here are a little odd? Lacey: Oh, no. No, they seem real nice, friendly. Karen: Lacey, please, give Davis free coffee. I'd pay for it, but then he'd know. Somehow he'd know. Okay, look. I am not a rat, okay? I do not want to go up against the force. He's onto me. I gotta go. I don't want to end up getting shunned or shot in the face or sniffing women. Lacey: What do you mean odd? Emma: What are you looking for? Oscar: Nothin'. Emma: Nothing? You're rummaging around in a box for no reason? Oscar: Not for no reason. I'm looking for something. Emma: Well, what are you looking for? Oscar: Nothin'. Emma: If you're looking for your Garfield books, I threw them away. Oscar: I'm not looking for my Garfield books. Why would you throw away my Garfield books? Lacey: What about you? What's your story? What do you do? Drey: Just government work, pretty boring stuff. You don't want to hear about it. Lacey: Ah, come on. Sure I do. Drey: Canada Customs and Revenue. Lacey: That's interesting. Gee, I'm so sorry. You know what? I've gotta get back to work. Drey: Every time. Could you at least take my order? Emma: If you tell me, I could help you look. Oscar: I'm looking for business paper. Emma: What kind of business paper? Oscar: Fine, don't help me. Emma: Oh, god, you're a pain! What kinda business paper are you talkin' about? Oscar: The tax things, for the tax stuff. Emma: Your tax files are in the cabinet in the garage. Oscar: No, they're not. Emma: Yes, they are. I put them there myself. Oscar: No, ya didn't. You would have told me if you did and you didn't. Emma: I did tell ya. I told you before I put them there. Oscar: You never tell me nuthin'. Emma: Oscar, I'm taking all your tax files and putting them in the cabinet in the garage. Oscar: Yeah. Emma: Did you hear me Oscar? Your tax papers are in this blue box and I'm putting them in the cabinet in the garage. Oscar: I'm trying to watch wrestling. Emma: You have to know where this stuff is in case the tax people come looking for it. Oscar: Right. The tax man's gonna come looking for me. Hah! Who am I, Al Capone? Look out! The feds are comin'! Run for your life, Ma Barker! Elliott Ness is gonna catch ya! We're all goin' to jail for tax fraud. Emma: Honestly, I don't know why I bother. Oscar: Maybe the attic. Emma, would they be up in the attic? Brent: You think that guy looks like George Clooney? Wanda: No, not him, the other one. Brent: Who, Brad Pitt? Hank: Hey! Davis just gave me a parking ticket. Wanda: Yeah, he gave me one and I'm parked in the parking lot. Hank: I wasn't even parked. I was stopped at a stop sign. He came running out from behind a bush. Brent: He's mad 'cause Lacey's not giving him free coffee, so he's taking it out on the town. Hank: The nerve of some people. What does he think? That everything gets paid by a money fairy who puts a, a coffee filter under your pillow? Brent: What the hell are you talking about? Oscar: Davis gave me a parking ticket! What's he trying to pull? My taxes pay his damn salary. Brent: Okay, Dad. You gotta stop paying everybody's salary. You're only one man. Oscar: Well, I hope Mr. Law-and-Order enjoys me accidentally filling his gas tank with diesel. Brent: All right. I better talk to Lacey before things get out of hand. Dan Matheson: Things got out of hand today in the small farming community of Dog River, Saskatchewan. We are joined now by satellite by Brent Leroy. He runs the local gas station in Dog River. Brent, can you hear me? Brent: Oh, go ahead, Dan. Matheson: Brent, can you shed some light on this rather bizarre series of events? Brent: One of the local cops went kinda nuts with the parking tickets. And then my old man, who's pretty nutty to begin with, vowed kind of a revenge thing, and that went back and forth for a while. The whole town started kind of a feud deal. And, long story short, I'm the only one left alive. Lacey: Well, I doubt it'll come to that. But I see what you're saying. Brent: That's what I'm saying. Lacey: Even if Karen pays for his coffee, Davis is still gonna be upset? Brent: Right. Lacey: Well, I want to help out, but I can't give Davis free coffee all the time. I mean, why should it come out of my pocket? Drey: You can write the coffee off. Give them their coffee for free, but keep track of how much they drink. At year's end, tally it up and claim it as a promotion and advertising expense. Even if they each drink two cups every day, that's $2,190 a year, which is a pretty reasonable deduction for a business of this size. Who's the bad guy now? Huh? Brent: Hey, Marvin! Listen, that was a cool thing you did for Lacey and uh, I know we haven't been overly hospitable, so can I buy you a drink, bearing in mind I'm not gay? Drey: I could use another drink, bearing in mind I'm not an alcoholic. Brent: Can we get two? Drey: All I'm trying to determine is why your station claimed sales that are 25% higher than other stations in comparable towns. Brent: Well, we are the only station within 60 clicks. We're on two major trucking routes, plus one of our employees sometimes wears a push-up bra. Drey: Well, if it all adds up, there won't be a problem. Brent: Well, let's say, hypothetically, my Dad can't find these sales records, what's the deal then, prison? Drey: There's no tax prison in Canada. You don't have to worry about that. Brent: I wasn't worrying, I was suggesting. Hank: Brent. Hey, tax guy. Brent: You okay, Hank? Hank: Oh, I, I'm good, yeah. I got a little head start on you guys. So, listen, tax guy, you don't seem like such a bad tax guy. Huh? Let's say you and me run down Main Street with our pants off? Huh? It will be fun, huh? Hmm? Brent: So the game's afoot, is it? Look, Hank, why don't you just forget about this, okay? Hank: What do you, what do you mean? Oh, I get it. Anplay B-A. Gotcha! Brent: What? Drey: It sounded like plan B in pig Latin. Hank: Oh, geez, he's sharp. Ah, I may need another drink. Drey: What was that about? Brent: You ever watch M.A.S.H.? Karen: This is stupid. You're being a big baby. Davis: Can't hear you. Karen: You can too, you big baby. Davis: Serpico. Karen: You're Serpico. Davis: Oh, how am I Serpico? Karen: I thought you couldn't hear me. Davis: What do you want? Lacey: Look, Davis, coffee is on the house from now on, okay? Davis: I don't have to pay? Lacey: No. Davis: And she's not paying? Lacey: No. You keep her away from me. Davis: What? Lacey: Oh, she made things very clear. I don't want any trouble from her. Karen: What are you talking... Lacey: Look, Karen, forget it, okay? I'm sorry. Here, look. Here's your $3 back. I just don't want any trouble. Davis: Did you intimidate her? Karen: Maybe? Davis: Good work, kid. Oscar: Ah, dammit! Emma: What are you doing with my camera? Oscar: Emma? Emma: Here are your tax papers. You said you needed them for tonight. Oscar: Now where did you find those? I looked everywhere. Emma: Idiot! Lacey: Hey, guys! Thanks for the advice today, Marvin. I used it to confuse the hell out of a couple a cops. Oscar: There you go, jackass. Read 'em and weep. Drey: Jackass? Brent: It's not just you. Remember the butterfly? Hank: Plan B. Oscar: What the hell are you doing? Those are the real papers. Jackass! Brent: See, it's not just you. Brent: Where did you find those sales receipts, anyway? Emma: In the cabinet in the garage. Brent: There's a cabinet in the garage? Emma: I told you and your father, both, where I was putting those papers. Brent: I don't think so. Emma: You have to know where this stuff is in case the tax people come looking for it. Oscar: Right. The tax man's gonna come lookin' for me. Who am I, Al Capone? Look out! The feds are comin' for us! Run for your life, Ma Barker! Elliott Ness is gonna catch ya! We're all going to jail for tax fruad! Brent: Yeah, the feds are comin', Ma. You'll never take us alive, copper! Whoo-whoo, pow-pow, whoo-whoo, pow-pow-pow. Oscar: Grow up. Brent: You grow up. Category:Transcripts